Dear You by Tessa Broad - This time it's personal

I am delighted to be part of the blog tour for this amazing book.  This doesn't happen to be often but this book really left me with a dilemma...my book reviews are usually all the same "What I Learned" format complete with quotes, and I will do this for this book at a later date, but my gut is telling me that this post needs a different direction, which is a little scary for me because once it's out there it's out there, but taking a deep breath and here goes!

Let me start by saying that when this book arrived on my doormat I was a bit wary.  I thought it was going to be a very difficult read for me.  I couldn't of been more wrong.  I stayed up way past my bed time and read it in one go.  I literally laughed out loud at parts (the Vagina Monologue on page 29 for example), and related to the lovely Tessa all the way through - she is the kind of woman I would get along with!

So this book is Tessa's letter to her unborn children.  It tells them of how much they were wanted, how much they are loved despite the fact they never came to be, tells them their story of the hoops that were jumped through on the infertility path, and, my favourite part of all, imparts some great words of wisdom along the way (I, for one will be trying the fool proof lump free gravy method!)

I think this book is a must read for everyone as it addresses some important points for an issue that is still very much a taboo.  We don't talk about it.  Ever.  But why is that when it affects so many people?  And that, right there, is why I am compelled to share a little piece of my life with you.

Ok, so I feel a little bit of a fraud writing this, as I have a beautiful, smart, wonderful 14 year old daughter, and I feel incredibly blessed, and know I am luckier than most...but she was never meant to be an only child.  And I feel incredible guilt for that.  I deprived her of the experience of having a sibling.  That one person you can always turn to no matter what of your own generation, no matter all the bickering along the way.  The guilt is there, the feeling of useless-ness is there, the feeling of not being good enough, and not being woman enough.  People constantly asking along the way "Have you just got the one?" to which I always reply "One is enough".  I related to Tessa in this book when she spoke about that age old small talk question "Do you have any children".  It's impossible to be honest with such a personal question.  If you tell the truth, that you are barren, less than, not able to do the one most important job you put on the earth to do, then it just becomes awkward.  People don't know how to deal with that.  Even people who are in the same boat as you don't speak up (as happened to Tessa on one occasion.)

I was recently married an 22 when my gorgeous girl came into the world.  The pregnancy was not an easy or enjoyable experience for various reasons (my appendix out at 9 weeks, sick all day every day, a husband who turned violent & then cheated with his best friends sister at 5 months - nice guy, but these are all stories for another time!).  When she arrived she instantly became the light of my life.  Although tough at times I counted my blessing every day that this tough little mite made it through all the challenges and was just here.  I eventually got up the courage to leave one night and we had a tough, but great life together, just the 2 of us.

Then there came the part when I let someone else in.  And we decided to give Daisy that sibling, however it wasn't quite that simple.  I had had a few ovarian cysts drained when I was younger but really didn't think anything of it.  I had had some issues with pain over the years, and erratic heavy periods, but again didn't think much of it.  But it just wasn't happening for us.  And so the round of tests began.  I had already had a baby so the problem couldn't be mine, right.  How wrong I could be.  Everything was great with my partner, more than great in fact, definitely no issues there, so a laparoscopy later and I will never forget the consultant coming and sitting on my bed after and explaining to me that it was game over, that both my tubes were damaged and blocked and my eggs just couldn't get through.  My heart broke right there in that hospital bed.  I was devastated. (And again I feel guilt writing that because I know I am luckier than most already having one gorgeous girl, but that didn't change just how heart-broken I was.)

I painted on a smile and went home, where, that night, my other half who should have been there, just disappeared to the pub for hours, left me sitting after surgery in an empty house, and that, right there was the beginning of the end.  He took to casting up to me during any argument and in the most hurtful way possible that it was all my fault, all down to me, that I was the useless one.  In some ways I guess maybe not bringing another child into that was a blessing in disguise, but I didn't need to hear those things when I was already heart broken, so again it was just me and Daisy, but I don't regret a second of that, no matter how hard its been.



As she got older and kept asking for siblings I eventually had to explain and she has come to accept it, although I know she would have loved a baby brother or sister.



I'm 37 now, and after some major glitches and a lot of pain along the way where things deteriorated (scar tissue strangling all my inner organs, endometriosis in one of my ovaries) I have had one ovary and tube removed and feel so much better physically.  Mentally though, I still wonder about what could have been.



Going forward there are still things to deal with that cause that twisting of the stomach, but I guess will get better,  The fact that every time something medical happens you are asked if there is a chance you could be pregnant (read the notes, seriously!!!!) to which I now, a bit sarcastically I guess, reply "not unless I have magical teleporting eggs in my one remaining ovary!).  There's the new relationship challenge.  At what point do you confess this major defect which, lets face it, could be a deal breaker.  I would hate to take away someone's opportunity for a life as a father, and that together with my other relationship hang-ups does not make for a smooth ride.  The feeling of low self-worth that comes with not being, and never being able to be enough, also addressed by Tessa in this book.  I too am a people pleaser and know my imperfections, and Tessa, your honesty here really made me cry.  I wonder if this is common to all of us who can't make babies.



Sorry, I am rambling now, but let me just finish saying that Tessa is an amazing woman, I am actually a little bit in awe.  This book is simply incredible.  Tessa, you are an amazing mum to those 3 kids who never actually made it here, and the children that are in your life are incredibly luck to have you.  This book really made me stop and think about things I have been sweeping under the carpet for years, and if this post is anything to go by (this is the first time I have ever written anything quite so personal), then it' something I will start talking about to see if we can break this taboo.



Please, everyone, read this book now.  No matter who you are it will make you stop and think.



 Please check out the rest of the stops on this great book tour.

(Have a look at the "What I Learned" post on this amazing book)